THE LADDER OF SUCCESS (PART 1)

The names and occupations of the people described in this post are fictitious, but the character traits described herein are those of real people in the real world based on my own knowledge and experience.

Weasel S. A. (Wease) Weasel Jr. is doing pretty well for himself. He’s making a killing as an oil futures trader on the floor of the New York Mercantile Exchange (NYMEX). His father, Weasel S. A. (Pop) Weasel Sr. got Weasel Jr. his job after he finally graduated from Yale with an MBA. The elder Weasel once traded oil futures back in the 1980s on that very same floor. So Wease Weasel is following right in his father’s footsteps. These days Pop Weasel is an executive vice president at Goldigger-Sack, one of Wall Street’s largest investment houses. Wease has a very bright future ahead of him so long as he hangs on tight to his father’s coat-tails.



It’s a family affair. Uncle Scam U. Weasel III manages one of Wall Street’s largest hedge funds, Fyck Investments, LP., which his grandfather, Scam U. Weasel I, started in 1952. His father was Scam U. Weasel II, who built the fund into one of Wall Street’s most lucrative investment instruments. Tragically, Scam III inherited the fund when his (and Pop Weasel’s) father drowned after falling off the family’s 123 foot yacht in 2000 because he was falling-down drunk. Pop Weasel moonlights as Scam Weasel’s junior partner in the fund, where Pop takes advantage of his position at Goldigger-Sack to orchestrate lucrative insider trading scenarios with impunity. As a multi billionaire, Scam can afford to pay off agents of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) to the tune of millions to look the other way. It’s quite a racket they have there.


The Weasel brothers have adjacent mansions in Connecticut on the Sound, and adjacent summer homes in the Hamptons, from where they frequently venture out into the Atlantic for afternoon forays on their 123 foot yacht, or to Martha’s Vineyard or Cape Cod to hang out at the upscale marinas and dance the night away with their wives or mistresses (or occasionally with strangers if one or the other happens to “get lucky”). This lifestyle is especially appealing to Wease Weasel, who fancies himself as a playboy of sorts. He likes to squire trophy blondes about town – he has a stable of about twenty or thirty women he can choose from. Although he's too dense to realize it, the women only like him for his money.


One of Wease’s favorite forms of entertainment is spending hours on Internet forums taunting the many people complaining about oil speculators (like him) on Wall Street running up the price of oil. These forums light right up each time there’s another spike in oil prices, and Wease is right there to rub it in. He likes to tell others posting comments on various threads that if they were successful like him, it wouldn’t matter what oil, or food, or hammers, or anything else costs – they would simply pay whatever it cost to fill their SUVs, or Jaguars, or Mercedes, or for that matter, their yachts. Money’s no object.


Wease Weasel has a penchant for boasting of his wealth on forums that typically follow articles on the widening income gap or the skyrocketing price of oil. They shouldn’t complain, he likes to write, they should work at getting rich like him. Wease Weasel is a classic class warfare specialist. He relishes in taunting the less fortunate – those who have to decide on whether to have a necessary operation or lose their house to the bank in foreclosure proceedings, or those who lost their jobs because they were outsourced to another country and are now losing their homes on which they’ve been paying for over twenty years. He especially relishes getting on forums associated with articles on the extension of Bush’s tax cuts for the rich. He loves to chortle at those who complain about the tax cuts President Obama was forced into granting by a cabal of rogue Republicans in the Senate. Collectively, the Weasels stand to save over $3 billion in tax monies they now won’t have to pay because the Republicans on Capitol Hill had their backs.


So there you have it - the saga of the Weasel family. An American success story. Each of them has all the money they’ll ever need, and then some. They invest hundreds of millions of dollars a year in Scam’s hedge fund, Fyck Investments LP, and in other stocks and bonds, and watch their money grow and accumulate.


As for Wease Weasel, he has decided to not follow his father up the high finance ladder. That’s too much like work. He's planning to retire before he reaches the ripe old age of thirty. He hasn’t told his father yet - hopefully, he might get drunk like his great uncle and fall off the yacht, or drop dead of a heart attack, or get cancer or something – save him the trouble. Then he'd get his father's $400 million. What would really be the cat's ass is if his uncle Scam met an unfortunate demise, then he'd stand to inherit billions. If or when any of that comes down Wease can lay back and while the days away and enjoy the lifestyle of the idle rich. After all, he deserves it, doesn’t he?